This is a post I've been meaning to write for quite a
while, and since we are about to graduate to "three, three and under"
(which doesn't sound quite as dramatic) I figured I should probably write it! Definitely
the two things I hear most often as I'm out with my kids, or when people find
out their ages, are "you've got your hands full!" and "how do
you do it??". I'm not always sure how to answer those
statements succinctly, so here's my long answer.
When I was pregnant with Jack I had a conversation with
one of the sweet grandmas at our church. I found out that she had her three
kids in less than three years and was asking her lots of questions, but mainly,
"what was the hardest part about having three kids so close
together?" Without missing a beat she laughed and said, "my own
selfishness!" That has really stuck with me. And I am confronted with this
reality daily. It's usually not that having three kids under three is too
difficult for me or too much work. It's really that I'm selfish and often I
would rather sit on the couch and eat chocolate and surf Pinterest on my iPhone
than change one more diaper or sweep the floor one more time. Being honest
here.
When I hear “you’ve got your
hands full” I think there is an unsaid qualifier to this statement, that it’s
bad to have our hands full. That may not always be true, I’m sure there are
plenty of people who say this remembering their own days with young kids and
how physically demanding it is. But I think there is a fear in our culture of
sacrificial giving. We’ll give in a controlled, qualified way. But having “full
hands” tends to imply and whole new level of death to self that is required. I
do have my hands full, and it is not always easy. But they are full in the best
way possible. Not only are my children teaching me to be less selfish, more
patient, more kind, more joyful, etc. they are also the best investment of my
time I could possibly make. It’s hard to explain this all to the man behind me
in line at Costco. So I just smile and say “yes I do!”
As far as how do I do it? Well, I don't. At least not
perfectly. I struggle. Honestly, the transition from two to three has been
challenging for me. I often feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by what I want to do
and don't have the energy for, by my own selfishness and impatience with myself
and my kids. But God is continually extending grace, and I believe I am growing
right along with my kids.
I definitely don't have this mothering
thing figured out. In fact the longer I am in it the more I realize it doesn’t
get easier, we just graduate from one challenge to another. (Something about
being transformed from glory to glory comes to mind here.) There are a few
things I do that I think have helped me in this phase of mothering very young
children, and so I share them in hope that they might encourage you, wherever
you are at your mothering journey.
1. The biggest help for me has been our routine. I like
structure naturally, but aside from that, kids thrive on routine, and it brings
so much peace to our days. Putting some effort into our routine means there's a
lot each day I don't really have to think about and the kids know what to
expect. Meals, naps, bed time, etc aren't a battle because they are at pretty much
the same each day. I try to do certain house chores on the same day each week.
That way I don't have to freak out about when I'm going to clean the bathrooms.
I can tell myself, laundry today, bathrooms tomorrow, as an example.
2. Probably the most important part about our routine is
that I set it.
I could get up on a soapbox about this, but probably the worst parenting advice
I've ever heard is "don't put your baby on a schedule". We don't
expect a toddler to know what's good for them to eat and choose veggies over
candy. We don't expect them to know a nap is good for them and choose it over
playing. Why would we expect a baby (or toddler) to be able to tell us what
they need and when? From the moment my babies come home from the hospital I am
teaching them how to fit into the human routine (we are awake during the day,
we sleep at night, we eat full meals, not snacks all day, etc.) and into our
family routine more specifically.
Now, I am constantly observing
them, listening to clues they are giving me that we need to adjust the routine.
I'm always evaluating what's working and not working. Do we need to adjust
bedtime? Add a snack in here or there? Adjust their diet? Shorten or drop a
nap? Often when I'm feeling overwhelmed I can trace it back to a place in the
routine where we might need to adjust. Someone's grown out of something, or
into something. When I'm feeling stuck in our daily schedule or something is
just not working I talk it over with Ross. I also love to sit down with my
journal and talk it through with God. He always gives me creative ideas and
ways to adjust our schedule.
Now, let me just say, we have
a general flow to our days that are pretty much the same every day. There are
lots of other things I would like to have as
part of our routine that are more hit and miss. A daily craft time, more
reading time, more playing with my kids, etc.
We do those things, but it's not like we do them each day from 9:30-10:17 or
something like that. So I have structure but I'm not this freakishly organized
mom. :)
3. A lot of people are amazed that I sew or bake bread or
things like that. The reality is, I don't do those things all that often, and I don't do them because I'm some super
mom. I do them because I love to. And there are a lot of things that I don't do instead. The Lord has given
all of us a unique mix of gifts and passions. Being a mom is a big part of who
we are, but there are other parts to who we are that we need to exercise when
we can. I know other moms who work out at the gym all the time, or go out with
other friends a lot, or have photography businesses, or quilt, or many other
wonderful things. I don’t do a lot of those things, and I know I don’t have to
in order to be me. Me sewing or baking doesn’t mean that other people have to. We
need to be faithful to cultivate the talents God has given us to the degree we
can in the season of life we are in.
4. I think one of the most important things for a mom of
little ones is learning how to recharge. Ultimately, the Lord is the one who
fills me up and refreshes me. But it's important for me to learn how He's made
me and what helps me to feel refreshed. For me, it's being alone. I'm more of
an introverted person. I like being around people, but that's not how I
recharge. I am always amazed how an hour at Starbucks with my journal or a book
makes me fall in love with being a mom all over again! Being creative helps me
recharge too. There are times that I have an overwhelming need to bake
something or sew something. I can't really describe why, but it helps me
decompress I think. Learning these things about myself has helped me
tremendously when I am feeling overwhelmed.
5. Last and most importantly, is that I have an amazing
husband who understands and supports me. Ross is always asking "do you
want to get a way a bit tonight or this weekend?" or saying "you
should go get a pedicure" or things of that nature. He knows how much I
benefit from some alone time. But he's also always willing to listen and talk
about the kids together. He loves hearing where they are at and helping me
figure out what I'm doing. I don't know how I would do this without that.
I hope that helps you a little bit. If you have questions
about anything I haven’t touched on here, please ask them in the comments. I
will answer them!
What are some things that help you succeed as a mom?
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